Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Candles never taste the way they smell

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe