When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
The internet is full of many things
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
oppen heimer style lol
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house