When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Mountain Goat : )
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.