Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave