Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Need this in my life lol

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.