When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
What flavor cupcake are these
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..