When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
the saddest jazz hands ever
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me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.