When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
getting old is fun
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Never forget.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
dude it’s called proctologist
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.