When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Is this you?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday