When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.