Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

The future is now.

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

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HEYYYY MACARENA

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

I put the hot in psychotic.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again