When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
tfw you realize …
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.