When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
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My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.