When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
dude it’s called proctologist
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.