Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever