When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard