Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.