When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
stand with me against insufficient seating
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
LMAO.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.