When someone asks if I have any hobbies
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Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.