If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
The struggle is real.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?