When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
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I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Weirdly Wednesday.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.