Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Hilarious if literal: arms race