Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*