Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Happy Taco Tuesday

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

?¿

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.