When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.