When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Happy thanksgiving
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Bed should get ready for ME
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.