When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island