Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

*seductively eats two tums*

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

🤣✨#caturday

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness