Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.