When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
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[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?![]()
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*