When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
You Might Also Like
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Not recommended for beginners.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro