when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
How I’d get arrested…
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW