when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
you have three unread messages
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.