when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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Always a housemaid, never a house.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Only short people can save us
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.