when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time