When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
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Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.