Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

The legends were true

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*