When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.