When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
