When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
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HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”