When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.