When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.