Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.