Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has the worst taste in men.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Does it…does it take 3 days

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

Those are good neighbors.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time