When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Love this guy
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
British people
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Mouse
Tier 3 meme
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”