When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*