When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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Perfect.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Spotted in the wild
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
my one true gender
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.