When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
And now we wait
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GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’ve had worse
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Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what