Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Catering service

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

our love story in four pictures

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.