When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what