When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019