When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down