When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Hard not to take this personally
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
rapatouille
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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!