When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
can I use a minion as a tampon
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
What personal space?
My dog
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.