When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.