When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
You Might Also Like
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
This checks out
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.