When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
What’s so funny?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
