When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I put the h in mysterious.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.