When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
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I’M CRYINGGG
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts