Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

💀💀

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.