Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.