When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.