Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work