When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Every haunted house movie: