Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first