When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.