When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
My last name is Zilla.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams