When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.