When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
You Might Also Like
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
😭😭😭
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.