When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.