Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Wednesday

TRAIN’S HERE

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately