When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
You Might Also Like
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?