When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
LA today:
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.