Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
You Might Also Like
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?