When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.