When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
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I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant