when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
saving face 👀
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
This is my emotional support knife.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.