when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter