when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.