When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
9 circles of hell in this economy?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”